We, The Great Indians

The Great Indian. Now I'm normally against stereotyping of any sort but I just couldn't resist this. As a member of the breed that I'm about to condemn, what better group of people to criticize than my own, the Great Indians themselves?

Firstly, most of the Great Indians always think that they are the best. In my earlier posts, I have often commented on how these Great Indians tend to divide themselves as much as possible - regionally, communally, linguistically, racially, on the basis of caste and of course, on the basis of which house your great-grandfather's mother's brother used to occupy in a native place that you have never visited. And after the Great Indian Divide has been created, the Great Indians then claim that their group is the best. ("What you saying, I say? My great-grandfather's mother's brother lived in a house twice as big as your great-grandfather's mother's brother's."). Russell Peters put it nicely "Americans have got to understand the difference between terrorists and Indians, WE ARE NOT THE SAME!!......terrorists hate Americans,Indians hate EACH OTHER!!" *

If a student from Haryana and a student from Tamil Nadu ended up in the same class in a school in Bombay, be assured that both their families will tell their sons "Don't mix with him! He's from the North/South!". If a mallu ends up doing something wrong, north Indian observers would probably say "Madrassi hain na...isliye..." (This in spite of the fact that Madras or Chennai is hundreds of kilometres from Kerala). Of course, the same thing happens, only in reverse, if some guy from Delhi lands up in Bangalore ("These Northies are invading us!").

Secondly, no matter what people say, the phrase "Unity in Diversity" is still going strong today. Indians may hate each other a lot, but when it comes to disliking foreigners, they forget all their differences and stand together. Those damn Pakis! Those useless Bangladeshis! Those filthy goras! Those bloody chinks! The only foreign breed that isn't commonly insulted in India is the South American. But that's probably because Indians haven't had much contact with them. South Americans are too far off and relatively unimportant to insult.

But a weird fact is that no matter how much Indians hate foreigners, they love to be recognized and appreciated by them. Indians went super-mad when news went around that that Taj Mahal might not make it to the new list of the Wonders of the World. How can this be? How can the world not recognize our greatness? Vote for Taj! Vote for Taj! Show your patriotism! Great Indians also go crazy if an Indian does the teeniest, most insignificant thing abroad. Mallika Sherawat was given a guest role which lasted about ten minutes in Jackie Chan's The Myth but the hype that it generated lasted for ten months. She herself was surprisingly sensible about it ("You have to start small if you're aiming for the big") but the Indian media couldn't stop raving about how Indians are finally going places. Sania Mirza, admittedly, was promising in the beginning but not so much that every government body in the country from Parliament to Gram Panchayat felt justified in "recognizing her" in some way. Sunita Williams is only half-Indian in origin but that didn't stop her samosas from becoming Great Indian celebrities.

Thirdly, the Great Indian doesn't like being deprived of his or her Great Indian Character. The Great Indian Family always sticks together while going on a Great Indian Trip abroad. They play Great Indian Games, do Great Indian Shopping, gape at things in a Great Indian Way, give Great Indian Comments and show the world our Great Indian Pride - the Great Indian Rudeness and the Great Indian Sloppiness. I have personally never been abroad but I have heard from a lot of Great Indian Trusted Sources about the Great Indian Stories abroad. The story of how a kid who wants to take a leak on a plane is told "Yahi kar do beta". The story of how an angry American who complained about 20 year old Indians running up and down hotel corridors was given a "Bacche hain...how can you stop children from playing?" statement from a hurt mother. Oh yeah, Bharat Mata ki jai.

But once again, a weird contradiction somehow makes Great Indians imitate everything they see abroad. If an Indian city has 25 malls in one road then hell yeah, we're cosmopolitan. If software companies in Silicon Valley work from plastic and glass buildings, then hell yeah, Bangalorean companies must do the same (No one cares about how much energy is being wasted with such buildings in an equatorial climate - after all, one must be progressive). Mumbai wants to be like Shanghai and Bangalore like Singapore. What about vada pav and bisi bele baath? Get rid of them, they're traditional and old - they have no place in a modern society.

Ah, the Great Indian is such a bunch of contradictions. But does this mean we should change? Should we pull up our socks and button up our shirts? Should we be careful and politically correct whenever we refer to someone other than ourselves? No. Atleast, not to such a drastic extent that the Great Indian loses his greatness. Half the fun of being an Indian is leading such a moronic lifestyle. But we can try and change a bit. Maybe we can stop attributing every defect in a person to his or her ancestral lineage. Perhaps we can be a little cleaner both at home and abroad. Maybe we can be a little prouder of our roots but at the same time be sensible enough to acknowledge our inabilities.

But knowing the Great Indian, I doubt it.




* However, with the recent Glasgow attack, the difference between Indians and terrorists seems to be dissolving. Indians now hate the west AND each other.